Sunday, June 24, 2007

It's a wet, fundamental heat

Because I went and bragged in an email to Varina (ex-neighbor in Colorado) that the heat and humidity had not yet killed me, we are currently "enjoying" what has to be the most humid day EVER in NC. I splurged on the A/C before noon, which is a first, and only the third time I've hit the switch so far. Last night was horrible. Even the bedroom ceiling fan cranked up to high did not help. The late afternoon thunder storms hovered into the wee morning hours, cloaking the house in an oppressive straight jacket of sticky, suffocating moist. The thunder renders the dog even more oppressive and suffocating than normal in terms of her inability to be more than three feet from me. I'm certain that the bottle of Biltmore Chenin, accompanied by a serving of leftover pasta large enough for three wrestlers, followed up by as much Marie Callender's very frozen coconut cream pie that I could chisel out of the tin during Suze Orman, all contributed to my blissful and deep night's rest.

It's Sunday and that ensures that most of my elderly neighbors are coming and going from church. All this is apparent on the daily walk with the dog. Two very nice people have tried to encourage my attendance at their Baptist church of choice. There is one on every corner, literally. "Most everyone in these parts is Baptist." There is a conspiratorial effort underway to convert me. I have less than zero percent interest in discussing my eclectic spiritual path in life with anyone that does not sorta kinda share some of it, and I have less than less than zero percent interest in debating anything having to do with their certainty that "The Bible says it, therefore it's True." (Cue Stephen Colbert). What I have found spontaneously popping out of my mouth in both instances was: "Gee, that's sooooo kind of you, but I'm pretty liberal -- pro-choice, pro-gay." Which I know they hear as "Pro-murder, pro-sodomy." I can see them visualizing my bumper sticker: I brake for baby killers and butt fuckers. (Cue Kathy Griffin).

For the most part, people are pretty nice here, especially my elderly neighbors who have all lived right here in the same homes since God. The dog and I love our nature walks, despite the heat, and I find myself more tan than I've been in a decade. I'm forcing myself to walk in shorts, fat legs and all, and I think the copious rays of sunshine, the profuse sweating, the hills we climb, and the daily consistency in walking are all helping me to finally lose a few pounds. (If I continue to eat and drink like I have this weekend that will be short lived.) While I've been told that the bugs are not yet "bad" -- shudder -- I have issues with the kamikaze gnats that deliberately fly right into my sweaty eyeballs during my walks. It's a bitch trying to extract them without a mirror and sometimes they stay lodged in there for an hour or so. Still beats the shit out of shoveling snow!!

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